Well, shoot. I have the worst anxious attachment style riddled with my strong Scorpio sexuality. I want to feel connected to a man. I want a man who knows my brain, what makes me passionate, what angers me, what I love to read, what I hate to read, how to pleasure me, how to make me laugh. And I know that I big time need reassurance and closeness.
I’m struggling because I am out dating again. I met a man… and the emotional and sexual connection was there. In my dating experience, there are different types of connections. There are purely sexual connections, friendship connections, emotionally deep connections and no connection at all. I will keep it to four for simplicity, but I think the emotionally deep connection could also be broken up into two sub categories.
This past year I have experienced all four connections with men. What I have now realized is how dependent I am in having men want me. Almost to an unhealthy point. I need to feel needed. I am like the classic Cheaptrick song, “I want you to want me. I need you to need me.” I am hopelessly romantic to a fault.
I, then I self-sabotage. I act out when I am drunk. Or maybe I drink to blame my anxiousness on the alcohol when in fact I wanted to act out all along?? At any rate, I get ahead of myself and become obsessive or maybe WAY too honest. I have had to do a lot of inner work. Meditating, yoga practice, daily journaling, self-care to the max, all in hopes I can ease my anxious attachment.
And yet, here I am still engaging with my anxious attachment. I feel like the only next step for me is to fully embrace it and lean in. Lean in on what I need and be very specific and open about what it is that will make me feel less anxious. Be very open and honest that I do need reassurance and closeness. That is not to say I need constant texting. In fact, I actually despise the constant contact. I don’t need constant. I just need to know when I can see my dating partner again and if they are still into me. As soon as I feel the detachment from their end, I freak the fuck out. I am not proud of it, but there it is.
When there are days going by where I haven’t heard from the person, my anxiety kicks in and I feel like I am being abandoned and ghosted. I know what I want. When I feel a connection I am all in. When instead I need to pump the brakes and ask myself is this even what I want? Am I able to communicate my needs to this person? Can they even meet my needs?
Slow down. Take a deep breath. I can only control things in my lane. My reactions are in direct connection with my thoughts.
I am writing this out to feel a sense of release. I want to be a secure person when I am dating and not need the need. Can I just breathe into what is meant for me will be and that I cannot mess up anything that is not meant for me? Am I the only one that feels this way?
Wild-Free 