Newly Single, Hardly Ready to Mingle

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By: Dash with her pup sitting at her feet

Hey! That’s me and pup on a hike outside Missoula, MT in late March.

I am attempting to write a blog post again after a VERY long absence. Here goes nothing!

I know I am not the first one to ever become single after the holidays. But boy does it sure SUCK. I know I am not the first one to get dumped and then have to work the next day and pretend everything is fine either, but damn I look back and wonder how I managed to get through it.

I do not wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. It is literally losing someone, experiencing a death where the person WANTED to leave out of your life. I think of one of my favorite movies “P.S. I Love You” with Hilary Swank. You know the highly depressing romantic movie where she loses her amazing, sexy husband to a brain tumor and suffers becoming a widow? Oh, grab your tissues for that one. Well, in the movie her mother is a divorced woman. And I don’t know about a year after the main character’s husband’s death she is walking with her mom through a park and they are talking about getting over it. How will she ever truly get over losing her husband? How is it fair that this happened to her? Etc., etc., etc. And it’s so brutal but so honest, her mother looks her dead-ass right in the eyes and says something like you know what’s worse than losing your husband to death? Having him walk out of your life by choice!

And I have never connected more to a line by Kathy Bates. There is nothing worse than having the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with just decide to walk out.

I’ve spent the last 11 months trying to get over it. Quite unsuccessfully, I might add. Everyone always has what they think is the right advice for you:

  • Take care of yourself
  • Watch all the sad movies and cry it all out
  • Go bang a couple of bad pancakes to get your ex out of your system
  • Join a new club!
  • Meet new people
  • Focus on work

Oh sure, all great advice. Not easy as it sounds. And I know I am sounding like a real depressive person but I WANTED to stay with this man. I wanted to make things work. I saw that we had two options, either we chose to stay and work on ourselves to then work on us OR we break up. And I wanted one way and he wanted the other.

And now we both live in this new town separated. And I got the dog.

I really wish I could be writing one of those riveting personal essays that make everyone read it and say “Wow, look at all the inner healing work she did, she truly Glowed-Up after that break up.” But I can’t. I am utterly flailing with a smile on my face.

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